Mundane Over Magic
I am a witch. I have dominion over wind with just my voice. Not really. I laid rocks onto things that would blow away in the wind from all four corners of the earth and bungee corded my grill to the deck. The chicken enclosure was staked into the ground when I moved it a few days ago and the tar paper I put on top of the deck was nailed down. I lost a cover - presumably it’s somewhere in Marshall county or Nebraska by now - but that’s ok. The cabinet it was covering won’t really need it next winter. BUT! When I went to put the trash in the bin at work, the wind tried using the door to crush me into the dumpster. I shouted, “Give me a damn minute!” while I pushed the door away from me. The wind took it and flung it wide open almost sending me sailing into the highway 200 feet away and kept it that way until I got the bags into the dumpster. I pulled the door to me, shimmied around it to push it closed and it was like pushing a truck to jump start it the old fashioned way. As I pushed on the door with all of my might, I said, “A little help here,” and the wind changed direction. I was damn near flung over the door. But hey! It was closed. Yes, I am a witch. Apparently an ungrateful one because just as I latched it, that was when the pea-sized hail started falling. I now know that a hoodie is sufficient protection from pea-sized hail; denim is not. *Note to self: Always be thankful. Even if the elements are trying to kill you.
I am a witch. I create fire with my fingertips. Not really. I waited until the brush pile was dry enough, the day wasn’t windy and I had plenty to do outside so I could keep an eye on it. I used a lighter on the dried grass and threw some twigs into it. Feeling pretty proud of myself for starting a fire without any questionable fluids (still wanna see what happens when an entire bottle of acetone gets near flames) I turned my back on the fire. The wind picked up slightly and the little fire grew up so fast - kinda like kids. I turned the hose on and watered the surrounding area to keep it from catching. It did not go as planned. Thankfully I only have two little burnt patches of lawn. But! One of those patches started right after I pointed at it and said it better not burn after I turned the hose off. *Note to self: Put sand around burn pit. Owner induced arson is NOT covered by insurance.
I am a witch. I control water. Not really. I used the aforementioned tar paper to keep the patio under the deck waterproof. I like to be on my patio while it rains, however I do not like getting wet outside of baths, showers, carnal activities, playing with the hose (which could be part of the carnal activities), or just playing in the rain. I just wanted the main part to be waterproof. People said it wouldn’t work. They said it would leak. BUT! The only spots that leaked are the spots I didn’t put the tar paper on. I just told those spots they could leak all they wanted. And they did - under the landing leading to the deck; which I don’t care about it leaking one way or the other. *Note to self: Listen to your intuition and trust what you know. Even if it is someone you love telling you it isn’t going to work.
I am a witch. I can move mountains with my bare hands. Not really. I used a rototiller to break the ground up and till the straw into the earth. I used a shovel to dig the holes for the herbs I over-wintered in the house. BUT! Those were pretty big pots and the holes left mountain-esque piles of dirt. I had already taken my gardening gloves off and said “Fuck it” and spread the dirt around level with the transplants. Three splinters and continents under my fingernails later, the “mountains” were “plains.” *Note to self: Do not say “Fuck it” to the universe. It will do as you say. Oh, and invest in a decent fingernail brush. No amount of polish is going to cover up “garden nails.”
Mundane over magic? Oh darling, don’t you see? There is magic in the mundane. I am a mundane witch. Now, do try to keep your monitoring flies off of my car and out of my face. It reeks of desperation. If you want to know what I’m up to, all you have to do is ask. But then, you probably don’t have the balls since you send everyone else to do it for you.
