It Begins, Again…

So apparently the Great Spider War of 2022 has not ended.  It’s followed me to “Him’s” house.  I know this because “Him” made a comment how he didn’t really have spiders last year and now they’re all over.  He found one nestled in his underwear drawer.  It freaked him out when the eight-legged psycho gave him a wave hello - that was the spider’s mistake.  I cleaned it’s guts from the drawer as I explained my arachnid “wanted” status; and because he crushed the spider in his underwear drawer, he was now wanted too.

My boyfriend now thinks I’m clinically insane.

In my defense, I thought the Spider King and I were good, so I wasn’t expecting the lone spider infiltrating my coffee maker (it must have taken a page from the Mice Kingdom’s way to wage warfare on humans).  Upon showing “Him” the photographic evidence, he tried explaining it away as the coffee pot was warmer than the house, and that was why the spider was there.  Then, as we were washing dishes, a black blob dropped from the ceiling.  I didn’t see it - it was “Him’s” yelp and clattering of dishes that alerted me to a problem.

*Him: Fucker dropped right in front of my face!

*Me: Yep.  They do that.  You get used to it.

*Him: They’re just spiders.

*Me: Hellbent on world domination.

He rolled his eyes at me.  I just shrugged, not going to defend my position.  I thought the same too in the beginning.  We continued on with the chore when I heard him exclaim:

*Him: SON OF A BITCH!

Below is what he saw

*Me: Do you believe me know?

I’m thinking this year, instead of nuking two yards and bombing two houses with pesticides, I’m going to continue my “natural” approach.  Except this time, I’m taking a page from the Spider King’s playbook.  This past Monday, I enlisted some allies in the war.  They’re cute.  They have feathers.  But they are young yet - perfect for molding them into spider killing machines…er…I mean, perfect for putting my chicken knowledge to use.

…hopefully one of them will bit his royal ass…

If you haven’t heard about the Spider war, check out my Facebook page (yes, its my personal page). If you don’t have an hour to scroll to 2022 on Facebook, you can buy ROYAL PITAS here.