Dressing in Drag

This week’s blog was going to be some freedom-loving garbage about the tripe in the media that’s showing how freedom doesn’t mean much to elected officials and how its diverting our attention from important things.  Much more important things.  Like, life or death more important things.  For instance, the ingredients of ranch dressing.

Sit back and enjoy this tale.

So, as with every couple getting to know each other, “Him” and I have told each other what our culinary likes and dislikes are.  I have mentioned foods I like and he doesn’t - such as peas, liver, and canned tuna.  He has mentioned foods he likes that I do not - such as sauerkraut, summer sausage, and corned beef.  We’ve shared foods we enjoy - both of us like most foods and even found combos that we’ve wondered where it had been our entire lives.  For me, it was ranch dressing.  Hated it as a kid, gave it a try on a salad shortly after my husband passed away and I’ve been hooked since.  For “Him,” it was thousand island dressing on pizza.  His brother in arms suggested it and “Him” tried it.  It was delicious, but “Him” still loves his ranch dressing.  We have even shared things we despise and will never eat again.  I will never try sauerkraut ever again - that shit EATS through aluminum cans.  “Him” will never eat mayonnaise.

…Don’t get ahead of me.

When I heard he despised mayo, I did a double take.  Wait, what?  The ONLY reason I did the double take was because w2hen I find a dressing I enjoy, I research the hell out of it so I can make it at home without all the preservatives that’s in store bought foods.  Which is how I found out that ranch dressing - “Him’s” version of ketchup - is spiced up mayonnaise.  He loves ranch dressing but hates mayo?  Well, I could understand why on two fronts; one: it’s kinda like my dislike of tomatoes.  I love tomato sauces, ketchups and the like.  I just don’t care for a raw tomato on or in my food.  It’s weird, but that’s just how my taste buds work.  The second reason I could understand why he didn’t like mayo is because by itself, mayonnaise is disgusting.  It has no flavor except for the oil you use and it’s mouth feel is like  you’ve sucked down a quart of motor oil.

Those of you who change your own oil know what I’m talking about.

Anyhoo, I had asked why he disliked it so much and he mentioned having a summer with nothing but mayo and cheese sandwiches for lunch.  I understood his perspective as I had a similar experience with a summer of nothing but bologna sandwiches for lunch - it was 20 years later before I could bring myself to have a slice again.  Because of that shared childhood trauma, I decided to keep my big yap shut about mayonnaise being the primary ingredient in “Him’s” beloved ranch dressing.  He let’s me live in my fantasy world where I don’t have to shave my face; I can let him live in his fantasy world where ranch dressing is actually not made from mayo.  It’s made from some divine cum, I guess.  Whatever, I wasn’t going to destroy his world.

Welp, that fantasy was shattered last night.  “Him’s” entire world was shook and he’s now questioning everything he’s known to be true.  No, I didn’t say anything.  Like I said, he lets me live in my fantasy world.  I told him nothing about ranch dressing since I found out he loved it but hated mayo.  His belief wasn’t hurting anything or anyone.  It was the TikToks that obliterated his world.

You see, “Him” likes to cook and sees things on the TikToks he’d like to make.  We’ve gotten several recipes from it that were good and he was looking for one to do this weekend.  As we sat in our individual recliners relaxing after dinner - me petting the dog while I scroll through Facebook and drink a beer, him watching the TikToks and occasionally showing me some funny or interesting stuff.  It was a very lovely end to our day.  Until…

*Him (whispering): No…

*Me: What?

*Him: No…that’s…that can’t be true.

*Me, starting to become alarmed: What?

He didn’t respond and my brain kicked into overdrive: China invaded, the banking system in America collapsed, martial law was declared, the end of American life as we knew it was gone all because people let fear of their safety erode their desire for liberty.  I’m thinking I was going to have to start loading up all the guns, board up the windows around the house and prepare myself to shoot people approaching the property.  I read too many news articles…

“Him” turned to me, the look on his face was so despondent and his voice thick with a mix of sadness and horror, “Ranch dressing is made with mayonnaise.  Did you know this?”

*Me: Yes.

*Him: You KNEW?!?

*Me: I didn’t have the heart to tell you!  Your belief wasn’t hurting anything or anyone, so why correct you?

*Him: But it tastes so good!  How is this POSSIBLE?!?

*Me: Because of the spices used.  It changes the taste and texture.

*Him: I’m questioning everything I’ve known to be true…

By now he’s exaggerating and I’m just playing along.  “Him” isn’t a child.  Just because he discovered his favorite condiment contained something he wasn’t fond of doesn’t mean he’s never going to eat it again.  He’s not going to get rid of the three bottles of ranch dressing we have in the pantry.  He’s not going to march on D.C. and demand they outlaw ranch dressing because all it is is mayonnaise dressed up and passing itself off as something else.  He’s not going to slap those who are eating ranch dressing in his presence.  He’s not going to boycott any restaurant that serves ranch dressing because it’s mayo lying to everyone.

As we cleaned up from dinner, he grabbed a french fry and sighed with resignation.  “I guess I’ll dip it in the spiced mayonnaise,” he said as he dipped it in and popped the fry in his mouth.  “Mm, mm, mm!  So good,” he announced as he dipped his finger in the dressing to get more.  “Who knew mayo could be made to taste so delicious?

Probably some dude who hated the taste and texture of mayonnaise and dressed it up.  Ranch dressing is LITERALLY just mayo dressed in drag.