Sorry, Not Sorry
Apologies. We have all been raised to say we were sorry for whatever transgression we commit towards another person - well, most of us have been raised that way. Frequently, we were made to apologize, even when we felt we shouldn’t have to - like, punching a brother for throwing a Princess Leia action figure down the storm drain; in 1980. Yeah, I was forced to say I was sorry for it - I wasn’t in the slightest bit, but getting my ass beat with the belt when my dad got home wasn’t something I looked forward to as a four year old. Thus began the lesson of apologizing just to apologize so the ass is able to sit in a chair. Later, we are taught to say what we are apologizing for, and we try not to do what we did wrong again. I noticed during my monthly bleed cycle when I would get irrationally angry over any minor inconvenience, and I would lash out. When I was called out on my behavior (mainly by my father who was tired of his mild-mannered daughter becoming a rage-fueled sociopath for a few days every month), I said I was sorry for throwing temper tantrums because of my period and I would try not to do it again. I would ask myself when my “angry time” would be coming, “Would this normally piss me off if I weren’t hormonal?” If the answer was no, I let the annoyance go. If the answer was yes, I unleashed the fury of hell and damnation. Most times, especially during my Walmart years, the answer was yes - I can forgive dumb, just not stupid. Outside of Walmart, the answer was no - socks being left in a couch CONSTANTLY is an annoyance that requires and eye roll, not nuclear fallout. By acknowledging my actions with the apology to my father, I was able to recognize when I was repeating the same anger pattern and correct myself.
However, this self awareness behavior was not taught to everyone, apparently.
Case in point: I had told someone I knew extremely well that I was sick and the individual bypassed what I had said and tried to cajole me into going out. I had just gotten done understanding that most of my life I have felt unheard, and the fact this person was essentially being a pop quiz on my ability to recognize whether I’m being heard or not, I called them out on their behavior. They said sorry.
And then they made excuses for their behavior. Honestly, I shouldn’t complain. I was able to bring the bitch out and control her, so the situation was a two-fer win situation. But it got me to thinking - how sorry are you when you don’t recognize what you did wrong and you’re making excuses for your behavior? If you don’t recognize the action you are apologizing for, how do you know if you’re doing it again? As a emotionally mature adult, recognizing what you did wrong, acknowledging what you did wrong to the offended party and trying not to do it again IS the apology - the words “I’m sorry” is just the preamble. In the case of my friend, the apology could have been along the lines of, “I’m sorry for not hearing what you were saying when you said you were sick. It was thoughtless of me and there’s no excuse for it. I’ll try to do better. I’m sorry. Still friends?” And then following through with the “do better” part. I’ve gotten so many apologies over the years and the same damned pattern repeats like its a stuck damned record. Most of the time, I just don’t bother with the person anymore. If you’re sorry for doing something, and you keep doing it, then you are most certainly NOT sorry. Oh, I’ll forgive you. I just won’t have anything to do with you. My peace is far more important to me than having someone in my life who refuses to acknowledge when they have done something wrong and refuses to correct themselves.
If that makes me a bitch, then so be it. I’ve been called worse.
