My daddy had a saying - it takes two people to fight or argue. Neither one is at fault and both are to blame. I never fully understood what he meant by that until recently as I recover from my recent heartbreak. My objection was he didn’t communicate with me and he used a trigger to manipulate me - that’s why I was so angry that night. But as I read through my journal all week and contemplate everything that happened throughout our relationship, he WAS communicating, just not in a way I understand.

I don’t read between the lines in personal relationships, so people need to be straight up with me. Yes, it might hurt my feelings or make me angry, but truth is rarely nice or pretty; truth just is. He communicated through his actions, which had I known how to interpret that communication style, I would have saved us both a shit ton of time and maybe we could still have been friendly with one another. I’m not at fault - I’m built the way I’m built through experience and how I’m naturally wired. He’s not at fault - he’s built the way he’s built through his experiences and how he’s naturally wired. The fault doesn’t lie with either of us.

But, we are both to blame. I told him long ago to be honest with me, to tell me things straight up; to be blunt. Throughout our early days, I got the feeling he was getting tired of me hanging around and I reminded him that if he needed space, to just let me know. I assured him my feelings wouldn’t be hurt - hell, I get sick of being around me sometimes - and I would give him the space he needed. He had said everything was fine between us, just work stuff, yet his actions dictated differently. I didn’t pursue the matter and he didn’t change his actions. And because neither of us were communicating to the other properly - from me resorting to the passive aggressive nonsense of moving my stuff out while he was gone from the house to have him finally hear what I was telling him, to him using a trigger to have me finally hear what he was telling me - we are both to blame for the break up.

I know I still love him - love isn’t a light switch that can be turned on or off. If I didn’t love him, I wouldn’t be confused on why he couldn’t just tell me he wanted me gone - I just wouldn’t care one way or the other. I wouldn’t have spent the three days after the break up so angry - I would have been like, “Next!” I love him. But, I know that I can’t be in a romantic relationship with him - or anyone else for that matter - until I can unlearn some of the toxic things I’ve picked up over the years. Things like picking up hobbies I have no interest in, just so I can spend time with someone I care about - doing whatever they want to do, even though I hate doing it (playing first person shooters or Magic: The Gathering), yet they don’t join me in my hobbies because “they don’t like doing it.” I need to unlearn that. Things like only eating things the other likes and never eating what I like (I never thought I would miss vegetables or liver this much). I need to unlearn that. Things like not letting my fear rule my thinking - past experiences or not. It’s not fair to paint everyone with the same brush, and as much as I tried not to, I wound up doing it anyway. I need to unlearn that.

Not only do I need to unlearn the toxic traits, I need to really spend some time rediscovering myself. Before I had a stroke, before I even met my late husband, I was a fiercely independent woman. There was nothing I couldn’t do, or figure out how to do - it was a trait my father encouraged (until I rebelled at the ripe old age of 33). Even after I married, I was still a very independent woman - so much so it was a source of contention between my late husband and I. After my stroke, though, I had gone from independence to dependence. I was still determined to get most of my brain power back, but my late husband, through the goodness of his heart, I’m sure, coddled me and soon I became more dependent on others. I need to get my independence back - my sense of ‘I got this shit.’

Maybe once I unlearn the toxic traits and find my bad ass self again I’ll find a man for a partner. Until then, the most I’m looking for are friends - with benefits, maybe - and for now, that’s all I want.