Make This Chaos Matter

I have always been drawn to the moon, the stars, the constellations, and anything from above. Shooting stars? You bet your ass I wished on them. Meteor shower? Oh, HELL YEAH! I would pull over to the side of the road to watch. Eclipses - both solar and lunar - I would watch them whenever I could with or without protection. My most ideal date would be in the bed of a pick-up truck or on the hood of a car, staring up at the night sky with someone with profound observations breaking up the silence. Even the full moon draws me outside, even on the coldest of days, to just look at it in all of it’s glorious mystery. Whether on my drive home from working late or just letting the dog out to take care of his business, I always look up and for those blissful moments, I feel at peace and a sense of wonder. It astounds me that, in all of the universe, I am here, now, with just a few chemicals in the proper proportions and viscosity keeping me from the chaos of space.

Oh, that shit’s poetic right there.

All kidding aside, I truly have felt drawn to the night sky. It probably had something to do with the Big Dipper my father showed me in the sky when I was young, the North Star my brother showed me to help me find my sense of direction (he soon learned that that endeavor was a lost cause - I’m the worst navigator), and horoscopes that I read in the newspapers when I learned how to read and comprehend written words. I’m leaning towards the horoscopes - those were the most interesting and fun. Who wouldn’t want to know to keep their butts at home cuz something bad was gonna happen to them? Or if the love of their life was going to be showing up soon? Or! If they were going to come into a grand amount of money? Who wouldn’t want to know that? So I would read them on and off for years. Of course I didn’t have much faith in it - it was just harmless fun and an entertaining read as I ate my breakfast while waiting my turn at the comics section. Yes, my father was very much against the idea of horoscopes - he wasn’t fond of “hippies” and astrology was deeply associated with that demographic. He was also a “Christian” and astrology was “against God and the workings of Satan.” As I grew older and made points that he couldn’t refute (like, the traits of the zodiac signs were GLARINGLY obvious in ALL of us - my stubborness and refusal to let things go being a huge trait of Taurus and me to an absolute T), Dad would just make his snide “astrology is the Devil’s work” remarks and usually end them with, “I put my faith in God.”

And for the longest time, I put my faith in God as well, so I stopped reading the horoscopes. Until the question popped into my head as I was driving into work before the literal butt crack of dawn. Why would God think it was a good idea to have a poor family, who couldn’t afford the care of a handicapped child, HAVE a severely handicapped child? Why did God make it so I was the one who was taught how to give an infant medications that would tranquilize an elephant? I wasn’t even twelve years old, for Christ’s sake! I was a CHILD! I never should have been put into a position of life or death of a sibling. Little did I know, that moment was the actual start of my spiritual journey. I wanted to know the why of it all. I understood the logic - ish: we were poor; we didn’t have the money to hire a nurse; and because I was the oldest girl, it fell to me to take care of the younger siblings as the babysitter (which morphed into a “mommy’s helper” which translated into “here, you take care of my womb gremlins from the moment you got off of the bus until you go to bed at night” - it’s a wonder I graduated with a 2.795 GPA). I understood all of the logical reasons, but for fuck’s sake! I was a child. Who in their right mind would think it was EVER okay to put a special needs infant - one that needed Phenobarbital, a schedule IV drug - in the care of an 11 year old? My child was knocking on the door of 11 at the time and there was no way in HELL I would put that on his shoulders - fuck, I wouldn’t have done that to my SIXTEEN YEAR OLD sister (even if she were responsible enough to handle something like that). The risk of something going wrong… Jesus, even thinking about the what could have happened is leaving my stomach in knots and that was damn near 37 years ago! Why? Just…why?

Because I have always believed that everything happens for a reason, I decided to find that reason. Asking Dad was no help - he never wanted to talk about things from the past unless they were happy things. I couldn’t ask my step-mother. Mainly because at the time I didn’t like her and didn’t trust a word from her lips. So my search for the reason ended.

Until now. With the exact date, time and place I was born, I was able to get what’s called an astrological birth chart. That was all well and good, but now I needed to learn how to read the damned thing. I already know my zodiac sign and what it’s traits are, so I had to learn what all the planets are known for and what the houses represent. Not going to lie, it was SO. MUCH. INFORMATION that it made my head hurt. I had stepped away from astrology for a bit - only dabbling into retrogrades and how they affected areas of my life. This week though…hoo Nelly. SIX planets align. And for some reason, this week I feel a strong pull to return to my astrological studies. I think I found my why.

You see, Saturn is the planet ruled by discipline, responsibility, structure, and long term goals. Saturn is in my fourth house - a house that governs the area of home and family. According to several websites, having Saturn in your fourth house may indicate that you had to grow up fast, as I did by taking care of my special needs sister. You also work diligently to provide a stable and secure home environment for your family, as I did by not allowing my son to grow up faster than he should have - which was compounded by the fact that I also have Mars, the planet of action and assertiveness (or downright aggression in my case) in the same house. Not to mention the fact that I am a Taurus. I’m stubborn. I don’t like being wrong (although now, I will admit to being wrong when I am rather than make excuses). It also takes me forever to accept change and even longer to implement it. There’s so much more to the “shadow work” of my shortcomings and “trauma” healing that I’ve since discovered, but now I have my why.

Was all of this “pre-destined?” I don’t know and right now, I don’t care. I just know that everything happens for a reason and right now, I want to know the reasons, integrate them into myself and continue on my journey. If you’re interested in knowing your why, I suggest AstroSeek for your birth chart - it’s the one I used - and I also suggest using both Whole sign and Placidus for the house systems. I find using both systems gives you a better understanding of yourself. Sometimes using only one house doesn’t give you a complete picture. For the interpretation, you can do the research on your own by starting with a website like Astrology.com. This will get you pointed in the right direction. Just be prepared to go down a very deep rabbit hole. Or, alternatively, you can pay someone to interpret your chart. A word of caution if you choose to hire it out - not everyone in the occult is of “love and light” - please, please, PLEASE use your head for something more than a hat rack. In the world of energy (or the occult, whichever name you give spirituality), your astrological birth chart is akin to your most private information. Like, think of it as you, butt ass naked in a crowded place walking around like the Emperor with no clothes on and everyone around you has a dart gun. My feeling is this: your birth chart is your soul’s universal security number. In the hands of the wrong person, unimaginable havoc can be done to you (think energy vampires, karma swapping, psychic attacks, etc). Yes, in most cases it can be reversed, but getting to that point takes time and a lot of energy. My suggestion? If you are doing this for “funsies” and just dabbling, do the research yourself. It’s safer that way. Then, if you get stuck and need help with interpreting your chart, find someone you trust. Like, trust trust. Someone who you would have no problem “taking care of your children if you should die today” kind of trust. The kind of person who, even under torture, wouldn’t reveal your deepest, darkest secret to whatever agency polices deep, dark secrets. I cannot emphasize the trust point enough. It’s hard enough trying to make the chaos make sense in this world. Don’t make it more difficult for yourself.

Doom and gloom aside (seriously though - use your brain), it also helps if you are completely honest with yourself. None of us want to admit our “flaws.” Some of them aren’t very pretty. But our flaws are what makes us us. It’s what makes us unique. Understanding why we feel a certain way in situations, or why we react to something the way we do helps us integrate our two halves together. Yes, the process is painful - I know this deeply - but it’s the only way to truly become who we are: both the light and the dark, yin and yang, masculine and feminine, God and Satan - two sides to the same coin. The journey is extremely personal - what path one takes is not what someone else will take. The destination is still the same for everyone. Balance. And when we are balanced, that is when we truly live.

God damn! That’s some deep shit right there! Who knew I could write like that? It only took four cups of coffee between 11pm and 2:30am to get the words out of my head and on the screen! I think I’ve found my writing routine!

God help me…