Hill Billy?

So my boyfriend and I were sitting on the front porch, both of us enjoying a beer and the evening watching squirrels, kids and birds play. As we were discussing something to do with one of his cars, there was a loud THUD! The sound was as if someone had dropped a 50 pound bag of feed at our feet. I immediately thought one of the kids had hit one of the cars parked on the street. The moment I turned my head to look, I saw a chubby squirrel bolt around the other side of the tree. I started laughing and asked my boyfriend if that was the squirrel.

He was already chuckling and shaking his head in disbelief by the time I asked the question. “Yep.” By the time he finished describing what had happened, we were both laughing like idiots. Apparently, squirrels learn about gravity the same way humans do. By plummeting to their potential deaths. From extremely high places. AND, since it looked like it had a pretty good winter stash of nuts, the poor squirrel’s center of gravity was not what it once was (I can totally relate…). The squirrel took the kamikaze leap of faith that only squirrels seem to be able to do.

Its faith was lacking. The squirrel missed the branch and landed like a sack of shit at the base of the tree. I commented that the poor thing was lucky it didn’t break its neck.

To which my boyfriend replied, “It’s a shame. Woulda made a good snack.” He scoffed at my look of horror and shook his head in disapproval. “You ain’t a hill billy.”

My shoulders squared. “I never said I was a hill billy. I’m a redneck. We don’t wait for the animals to kill themselves by doing some damn fool thing.” I took a haughty sip of my beer and added, “We scrape them off of the grills of our trucks and load the body into the bed.”